June and thats all that

everything. life and all...
much and more in the second moment. another treasured along the journey. i couldn't able to summarize the "june-ly",... as it was started with a tough days, ... -chased by times, horror assignments, exam fever, friend's farewell, missing and forgetting the memories, a birthday and adventure,... after all, thanks God.. it's end with happy "june".


a blast birthday adventure.

#celebrating amsi's birthday on 27th June at Talang-Talang beach, Sematan
words can't define us

.

it's feel like to take a day off,... lay down and thinking only you for the rest of the day. i may forgot lots of thing about you, but i don't know what make me keep on missing you...

# it's tiring. maybe i need a plenty of time to erase everything and then stop missing you.

transformers and without you

• just came back from watching transformers II. well, yea... as everyone said - the great one, superb, and double thumbs up.
  
• enjoy to watch. worth the money. but not the one in my favorite list =)
  
• someone living at next door turn on the song ... without you - hinder
  
• ...
  
• and deep down somewhere in lost soul,
  
  
  
  
• i'm missing you
  

# i noticed that profile picture. thanks. i feel being appreciated

Edisi Kami Lapar

sambungan:
1. Edisi
2. saya, dia, hengpon dan sms

we majoh again and again. semenjak se-june-menjak napsu majoh semakin melampau tahap transformers. majoh and transform. mun cam tok hari-hari, musnahlah pelangi angan-angan aku mok saving. *ala.. duit bukan mbak mati pun*

seperti biasa, aku ngan julia robat cari port. tapi tadik, hari ujan, julia robat amik aku balit kija. nya mbak sepasang payung. tapi malangnya payung beliau terguguk di tengah jeraya, sik sempat di selamatkan, hancor di langgar teksi. (ya mengikut cerita beliau semasa di tempat kejadian tersebut).

aku balit kija cun sploh malam, julia robat dah ready nunggu aku ngan payung beger. we highway terus sampei lobby spring. kedei ya gik buka, aku dah imejin beef lasagne.





sikda feel la mok apdet barang makan. gamba ya di amik pakei apdet life journey sana sini sia sitok here and there. dan yang sbenanya lebih sentimental ntuk di jadikan bahan editing. gik pun aku dah lamak sikda bahan. gua indeed to be inspired.

deep will. in determine V

Mood: cpp-ing
Listening to: Butterfingers - The Chemistry
Reading: coding horror

bertapa depan pisi. nunggu ilham nak ngapal c++ datang.

aku rasa tulang leher aku ter-rotate 360°CCW kenak side effect tido malam tadik bertilam lantei berbantal tilam. dengan terjemahan lain, palak atas tilam badan atas lantei. tido pun lintang pukang ada ati lok mok belaki. kim salam taik serati. mata dah pedih-pedih ala shampoo johnson & johnson, bila gik ilham nak datang,... nak ngapal gik. apal mantak-mantak jak la tok lak... haiz
arap-arap utak ku sik bubus. aku demand sik tinggi, dapat HD pun aku dah cukup bahagia... amin ya rabbal alamin

deep will. in determine IV

bangun kul duak pagi tadik. kunun mok cpp-ing. gua musti cpp-ing or else running out of time again.

Happy Fathers Day 2009

donia aherat

deep will. in determine III

arap-arap mak tipon aku time tok,...ooo

deep will. in determine II

aku penah padahkan... aku sik mok apdet gik pasal tunggang-langgang study life aku. i dun lie. *tengah take five*
majoh belimbing besi cecah nespray panas.
haih,.. bok ku teringat, marek aku sik makan. lupak. patutla aku ada rasa-rasa macam ajal aku dah sampei. alhamdulillah, panjang juak umo aku ritok.

*back to markas*. aku mok HD

deep will. in determine I

Dear God,
I need your HD and D...
Everyday I pray, tomorrow is my graduation day.

God bless me.
====================================================================

#petang tadik anta jnet gi airport. sekali gik aku "kehilangan". mendung jauh di sudut hati. tergendala rasa jiwa. tapi demi exam, aku kumpul segala spesis tabah. i need to stay in focus till all of this over. 'll get back once i'm done.

#jam sploh malam tadik aku pecut ke liberi. nekik pagar blakang ostel. demi chapter 8 software architecture design. aku doa-doa buku ya ada before 12 tengah malam tok. *mekaseh Tam*
on the way balit, ada eksiden depan the spring ngan rhb. miak ta kiong kenak lantak. motosikal melantak nok jalan kaki. duak-duak masuk sepital. ter-beliang kejap hati aku. and again aku kena re-gain balit rasa stabil.

#thank you shevy. thank you wendy. mun ta'urang mok dapat HD. aku pun mok HD. mun ta'urang dapat. aku pun dapat.

maybe i forgot all the things i miss

cold empty heart

=.=

"Hey? Derhaka kau ya? Ini abah mu yg telepun"

From: Abah
10:32pm 16-JUNE-2009

bla-bla-bla-h II

aku rasa aku mok disable kan balit la twitter di fb status... cukupla twitter di blogspot jak.

*kelak lah...*

aku "ilang" diri gik ari marek. honestly, aku ada syndrome "lost and gone", sejak azali. even mak aku pun bercari ngan aku. aku sbnanya sik noticed aku ada syndrome yang aneh-aneh cam tok, sehinggala aku terperasan dua tiga ayat bersoklan subjektif dari pihak-pihak berkuasa dan badan-badan bukan berkanun. gik dasat bila mak aku tipon dak Gee, Boi, Hana ngan Liya.... nanyak aku di cney. scene paling tragis, bila aku check email dari liya,.. madah mak aku tipon nya, cari aku. dan emel ya yang bertarikh January 2009,... aku baru terbaca ari dolok...bulan June 2009 tok. *mun subject emel tang mengarut semacam, aku liat kit mok check* sampei la ari marek aku nak clear inbox, so aku check sigek-sigek dan terjumpa emel tok....

so, al kisah nya, aku simpan emel tok. haih... =.=

aku sik pat control syndrome keanehan ya. aku sikda explanation ntuk "lost and gone" ya. biasanya aku just nowhere, wandering around.. here and there. bateri fon kong, aku sik mbak fon, aku offline, aku invi, line streamyx cam silaka, power down, cable unplugged, doesn't feel like to tell, and etc. syndrome aneh ya berkait rapat dengan "i don't keep in touch" and me being "a random person".

biasanya, bila isu-isu aku ilang, badan-badan berkanun akan tampil madah dak nya dah banyak berkorban demi nolong aku ketika di saat aku sekian-sekian and demikian. *aku sik alert lamak-lamak tok, rupa-rupanya pengorbanan dan jenis pertolongan ya ada bayaran...*. aku sik sedar, aku salu gilak terperangkap dengan jerangkap samar "fake ikhlas". terima kasihlah sebab tolong aku dolok, aku mintak maaf mun aku sik dapat balas balit pengorbanan-pengorbanan kawu dolok. mun kawu rasa aku sik ngenang budi, mintak maaf juak banyak-banyak. "termakan budi" is the most thing i regret in life. aku serah ngan Nya ntuk bayar semua pengorbanan kawu dan budi-budi baik kawu.

yala, aku sikda apa-apa juak... bila aku nak acknowledged pengorbanan kawu or thanked you, kawu madah aku molah kawu rasa sik guna. maybe "terima kasih" sound sucks kan... and "sorry" referring as a "loser".for many years,... rupa-rupanya that's the way i made u felt. so, i'm back off coz i guess my "terima kasih" was "shit" and my "sorry" was "hell". but anyway, aku mintak ngan Nya, balas jasa-jasa kawu ngan aku. moga Nya bayar cash di donia ngan kawu. so, kawu amai damai tempat kawu dan aku aman damai tempat aku.

bla-bla-bla-h

damai tapi cuaca berangat kedak lada sulah. *(hangat dosa kah?)*. gelap sunyik. cuma aku ngan Pieces Don't Fit Anymore, semut-semut merah yang mencari rejiki. gua rasa damai. malam jumaat. ehs. dunno what to blog 'bout, but feel like to do so. haih. pagi tadik, kenak coaching miss jong. badge tertinggal di umah, so emergency case aku pakei la badge boy masa gretting. min ngan itut tetak sampei bergegar offer bin. bla-bla-blah..

ms. jong: mesti pakai badge. mana badge? badge siapa kamu pakai tadi and so bla-bla-blah...
aku: masuk kes polis ka? kiamat kah hari mun sik pakei badge? badge aku ilang ngek. ingat aku suka² ka sik pakei badge??? sebab ya la aku pakei badge boy kejap. bukan selamanya
*sambel sign borang coaching*

**ten thousand times i keep telling myself "i want to be good"
bla-bla-blah

i hate explaining myself.
i don't feel good about you remarked me in the form. i usually trust my gut. it sharp and real. after a few hours,.. she turn back to selling floor,..

and yeah.. return me the good feeling.
that's all i need.

please, jangan ingat ko ada power ko leh point others mistake just like that. we all the same. we all human with the mistake and weaknesses. jangan anggap strengths yang ko ada ntuk attack the weaknesses orang lain. karma will get back to you on the other way around.

dah la.

so, morning shift and bla-bla-blah. lapar dan sebagainya. aku imejin beef lasagna yang menguja jiwa. sikpa. maybe next time. so, pegi hot plate di food bazaar. aku order rice with seasoned lamb slices, fav menu at hot plate stall. balit umah and full. *keep in wishing for having a beef lasagna once a week... at least*

then,

the last thing i have in mind is You.
no worries. all your "unspoken" messages delivered. i've received them all just-in-time. i know you're checking on me frequently. that's why i'm setting my page to public. sometimes we both hate being stalker, rite? i understand you want me too woo on you first. don't trying so hard, i'm the most an easy person you can deal with. if it's sound not going your way, then we already done a long time ago.

oh well, regarding your previous "unspoken" messages... interpreted it, i was like... paused a while then laughed myself out loud. dude, lemme tell ya,... nobody, no one and not me going to stop you from loving the girl you want. any girl u wish mannn...i'm sure the world definitely happy for you. and your love-ship thingy thing is nothing to do with my life tho. u doesn't need to work hard to make me noticed it ;). not my business after all.

;)

Another You

with courtesy of FE-20

i've come undone...

in random ngereco

lunch meal after a week of "kebulur-an-ing"



fresh yoghurt + kiwi fruits = gua polah dik mpun... nguah..nguah.. nguah..
it's taste like a real "durjana".
if soon we get married, i'll prepare this for our lunch and share the bowl.
sound so "masam" and disgusting, isn't it???
well, love ain't sweet ... sometimes ;P
keep the green in our plate.. that's the matter. eh?.. *for the moment lah*

oh, so "biawaking" lah last nite. dreamed of c++ thingy things. i was talking with keith, *(know his name just now -_-").

keith: my friend failed the subject 4 times oledi..
aku: i'm so "beliang hati" lah ehs...
(the assignment due today)

i rili-rili dun lyke being beliang-beliang one. shits lah like that. the assignment is about mobile robot. and the prof are veri guud one. *i wanna be a good kid. want to be good. i want to be good. coz the prof are veri veri nice person bah*. dun wan to let down anyone again.. dun want to let down maisef... bah. it's reall full of pain... sorrow.. and so the "ngutik" life...
i wanna be good.

Allah love me. Allah bless me...
He knows i'm in deep pain. He knows i'm holding the bleeding wounds all these years and till the day i'm typing this useless "ngereco"... He knows. He knows it all...

the streamyx "shit-it-out" again today.
and power down sumore.

but then come the cool unxpected hours. went out hunting for ayam penyet at kafe bunda, and then headed off to a'la carte, meeting the terminator salvation.

and,

some search never finding away
before long, they waste away

i found you, something told me to stay
i gave in to selfish ways
and how i miss someone to hold
when hope begin to fade...

a thousand reasons to smile

err,... mak tipon malam tadik, aku nemu boi ngan hana marek dan aku accidentally ditemu "orang" marek seblom marek dolok. aku duty sploh jam tiga hari berturut-turut, sebab boy cuti gawai, so tinggal aku ngan part timer baru jaga kaunter. part timer trained the new part timer. aku ajar apa yang patut. yang sik patut aku sik ajar. heh. aku rasa nya paham. aku rasa jak la. tapi memang nya paham atau nya sik paham memang nya sik paham. heh. yakinkan aku nya paham. aku sik brapa lulus gilak bertemu dan mengajar orang baru. cuma perasaan aku sik mok nya rasa macam ney "liat" nya aku sebagai first timer dolok. the rest let nature take it course. aku arap nya tauk, nya dapat feeling accepted dengan environment, so nya dapat cope everything naturally. terima kasih Allah swt, permudahkan urusan aku donia dan akherat.

hari sblom ya, aku on duty. kayo-kayo di sembonia. ada lalu duak ompuan kaler papel dan *maybe papel juak. sorang melambai-lambai bak daun nyiur tepi pantei, (do we know each other? aku menyumpah dengan bahasa lembut dan berbau sinis). unidentified flying object ya semakin dekat. dan ompuan *maybe papel ya sik lah papel tapi agak papel. (oh, duhal nya bini kawan aku dolok). nya greet aku, then shoot aku soklan pasal dan kesah laki nya. (wadefak ehs!) ada aku kesah???

nya: kenak muka kitak lain bila kamek nyebut namanya?
aku: (kimak kitak eh. nang Tuhan berik aku muka cam tok. kawu gago pahal? aku nerais lam ati jak la)
kawu pa polah nektok?

soklan sik menjawab soklan (teknik tukar topic yang kurang berkesan). tok second time nya ter-shopping di "ini kawasan celcom". the second time, keep on mentioned nama laki nya. asal jumpa aku, sebut nama laki nya. munken muka aku ada 8-pax nama laki nya? "i'm allergic to bullshit". sorry to her lah, but she brought the wrong topic. maybe menda cam tok lansong sik munasabah. tapi bagi aku, i totally hate the feelings of what ever subjects that triggers me the unmattered. lepas minit tertemu nya.... i don't feel safe.
*sigh*

aku sik lah kenal rapat ngan nya. it just that i'm being significant with whom i meet along the way and everyday. and how others make me feel. and the current "object" kinda make me feel losing my peace. a minutes then, i ran finding the positive vibes, whatever "peace" i can get. i needed of feeling "akuokay".

then, cherished on the next day... hana called. aku on duty. nya madah nak datang. nya madah nya sorang. tiba-tiba aku rasa esaited. lamak sik sewel ngan nya. lamak sik nemu nya. suddenly out of blue, called madah nak datang, nang menguja kecantikkan iklan habib jewels.

aku: mun ko jadi datang, kelak aku escape sejam.
hana: jadi aku agak ko. tunggu jak aku call.

dalam masa nunggu, aku berusaha molah rundingan damai dengan penuh privacy ngan part timer baru ya.

aku: ko buleh handle kaunter sorang kan?
nya: insha Allah
aku: aku nak kuar kejap. ada hal. ko buleh jaga sorang kan?
nya: ko nak gi cney? *(muka beliang sket-sket)
aku: aku ada hal. nak kuar nektok, kelak aku datang balit. nak pegi sepital. nunggu kazen aku datang sekejap gik. *(sambel molah ekspresi muka "Urusan Seri Paduka Baginda" ..gagaggagaga)

nya: ok ok.
aku: kelak aku datang balit. ("This I Promise You..uuuu"... tiba-tiba aku nak nyaruk jadi kumpulan N'sync)

suddenly my "mata" catches a very familiar face. OMG! he is here!!! (sori hana, lepas aku nangga boi, bok aku detect ko) hahahha... makna nya kawu dah slim lah ya). ya rabbi, lamak sik nemu boi. lamak juak sik nemu hana. ntah laa... i couldn't get myself properly in conversations... damn! rindu gilak aku ngan kawu duak. aku pun sik tauk nak tanya khabar berita gney gik... hahahha... aku sik tauk nak menzahir-kan yang aku rindu gilak...wawawawawa.. esaited tahap H1N1..gagaggagaga

so, we end up at pizza hut. talking-talking and modern talking. let me keep the "hours" to my utopian. so, it's unwritten feeling here... =)
split up at 5:30pm. boi will be back to labuan, hana will get back crazy to the phone, and i'm here on moving on... =)

the courage lives on.... #heaven called. i'm doing fine, mak. mak tanya khabar, aku kadang-kadang jak called, akhirnya aku padah ngan mak juak kes aku ari ya. first, aku sik mok nak acknowledged the matter, tapi bad and good aku padah mak ngan abah. the world may cruel, but it's never lasting.